I hate diagnostic labels
I'm the type to be careful with big words like ADHD, and I don't like to intentionally label myself with strange diagnostic tags. Being a bit cheeky, my basic stance is, "Isn't this just different for everyone?!"
I have no concentration (yikes)...
However, I cannot deny that I lack concentration; seriously, I had no focus when I was a child. I couldn't even read simple children's books. I was always aware of my surroundings 360 degrees, and various thoughts would constantly emerge and bury me. I was often scolded and made fun of for my lack of concentration. I think I lived desperately trying to hide it to force myself to conform to those around me.
Someone like me becoming a group leader
However, there were times when I could focus abnormally well. I think that was when it was 'for the sake of others.' For some reason, I often ended up being a school leader or a club leader. But I never once wanted to be a leader; in fact, I hated it. I think it was because I could imagine myself responding to the demands of those around me, focusing, running around, and ending up exhausted.
This won't do... I can't focus on myself at all. The painful feelings might not have been resolved. I know my peers well, but I don't know myself.
I don't know what I want to do or what I like. There was even a time when I was convinced that perhaps I should give up on myself, and that the only way I could survive in this world was to live for someone else. However, perhaps because I was flooring the accelerator even though my own gas tank was empty, I was running on fumes, worn out. My mind and body were emaciated.
What is ADHD?!
I will say it again, I have never been diagnosed, and I have no intention of getting one.
But, learning what ADHD is made me feel a little more at ease. (The following is quoted from the internet)
- Survival strategy of hunter-gatherers (Hunter in the Farmer theory)
In the former hunter-gatherer society, rather than focusing on one thing, quickly noticing small changes in the surroundings (inattention/impulsivity) and exploring new places one after another (hyperactivity) were considered advantageous for defense and finding food. Because it is difficult to adapt to the modern sedentary/agricultural social system (school or desk work), it is considered a 'disorder,' but it was originally an effective tactic for survival. - Hyperarousal and risk avoidance
People with ADHD have a unique way of adjusting their brain's reward system and arousal levels, so they tend to constantly seek stimulation. Looking at it from another perspective, this can be said to be close to a 'state of being constantly on alert (defensive posture)' against dangerous situations. - Secondary psychological defense
As a psychological aspect, in order to protect oneself from criticism from others and frequent failures, there are cases where one unconsciously self-defends against deep hurt and stress by intentionally 'acting impulsively' or 'diverting interest immediately.'
I'm starting to understand something, some of this applies to me... lol
It is true that humans cannot survive if they concentrate on one place and exhaust all animals and plants. It is interesting to think of ADHD itself not as a disease, but as one of the instincts inherent in humans. (Certainly, I have high survival skills; I have always been on 360-degree alert, avoided various dangers in various places, and I think I have helped people too.)
A talk by Dr. Gabor Maté (the person in the photo)
Reference ( https://www.youtube.com/shorts/rVL3mO68LOU）
He says, 'ADHD is not a "disorder," but often a response to childhood stress or unmet emotional needs. Childhood experiences and environment have a major impact on brain development and concentration. Many people with ADHD are highly creative and intuitive, but in today's fast-paced, overstimulated world, they struggle to focus. The path to recovery begins with self-awareness, self-compassion, and creating an environment that fosters human connection and peace of mind.'... I see, it seems like working on oneself is a good thing to do... I learn.
My encounter with art
My encounter with art may have been a coincidence or it may have been inevitable. It was overseas, and there were complex reasons at the time, but looking back now, it might have been the gateway to further suffering, or it could be seen as the final liberation from suffering.
Speaking of liberation, I can stop my diverse thoughts when I am painting. Once I start painting, I can concentrate. For me, it was a first-time experience.
However, as I get used to concentrating, it evokes new thoughts, spins my head with concepts and philosophies found in the world, and then I move away 'again' from the comfortable concentration... If I can create something new here, I can concentrate again. It's a repetition of that.
So, finding high-quality 'something' is okay
I also learned that if I can create high-quality 'something,' I can concentrate more. For that reason, I came to like learning. For that reason, the amount of text I could read kept increasing. I feel like I've become able to read difficult books somehow. Foreign languages also kept entering my head. I am becoming a concentration junkie. (I was happy. I, of all people, am reading books.)
Therefore, art that allows me to concentrate is good
Therefore, while I continue to learn various things through art and contemplate its many meanings, my top priority remains "whether or not I can become completely immersed." From the moment I pick up the brush, I want to keep adding colors and layering shapes, moving forward while embracing the charm of not knowing what will emerge in the end. This priority feels right.
I cannot deny that I have become even less considerate of those around me as I have accelerated.
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I intend to live my life this way