I've realized something over time.
My roller coaster descends. At that moment, I, having lost sight of the direction of my creation, was sitting in the front row. Voices from around me stopped calling out. It descends for a long time. It must be fast, because I couldn't even hear voices anymore. Little by little, I began to doubt my own self-worth. Why?
What I thought about while descending was, "Who would want to work with some guy who just looks dejected for no reason at all?" What kind of person do you want to work with? Well, it's someone who is having fun doing something on their own (even if it's quietly). You had them in your class, right? The other kids in class would go up to someone like that and ask, "Hey, what are you doing?"
That's why.
Aren't you riding that roller coaster because descending is fun? After all, you chose to keep "descending," didn't you? Even the struggling, isn't it the same? You want to find something, don't you? If not, you could just quit unpleasant or painful things right away. Right? I kept asking myself over and over.
Feeling good or having fun can mean different things to different people; it could be feeling all fluffy and happy, or it could be working on something quietly with a frown on your face.
And I realized that my struggles and explorations are a "game." There are many difficult games. But you're enjoying that game, aren't you? Are you? "Yes, I am."
And now, creating art... expressing the process of continuing this thought, the ongoing process itself—that's where the fun is. I don't prepare a preconceived answer; the process is the answer.
Then, various people started calling out to me. It's always like that. The roller coaster races upward.
What it took me a long time to realize is...
Yes, when an object is descending, it is storing Kinetic Energy and ascending energy. And once again, the roller coaster ascends. Well, that's only "if" you wish for it.
Different repetitions (the aesthetics of contradiction). This is what has been happening to me for over the past 10 years or so.
PS. And at this very moment, I will take on a new "challenge." I will work in an unknown place with unknown people, doing things I've never seen or done before. In doing so, I will feel both good and bad things, something completely different from before.