Words from a certain author
I'll write this down for a memo. An author named Ryu Murakami has passed away. I feel like I've written this before, but there was a long period where I couldn't read books. In the midst of that, there was a book called "Coin Locker Babies" (was it two volumes?), and for some reason, I read it all at once. I remember being drawn into its world of madness and finishing it.
That said, this is the only book of his I've read. I don't know much about this author. However, since he passed away recently, as a current event, if you look at social media, videos from his lifetime are circulating. It's a bit late, but while thinking about what kind of person wrote that book, I also think that people who leave something behind in the world are truly interesting. In particular, the video of his session with Ryuichi Sakamoto (musician) (below) is interesting. It seems they were quite close.
Mr. Ryuichi Sakamoto
I have a slight connection to this person as well. Apparently, we went to the same kindergarten. It seems this person was already talented, composing music at around 3 years old, and the kindergarten itself had a creative educational policy where we learned solfège and even composed music from around age 5. However, to be honest, I don't have any good memories of art or music... I was bad at both drawing and piano, and the teachers would get frustrated and angry. Sometimes, they would get so frustrated that even while my fingers were still on the keys, the teacher would go mad and try to close the piano lid, lol. At home, I was yelled at just the same, heading straight for being an underachiever. It's laughable how different the results are from attending the same kindergarten. But even though he is a distant figure, I feel a sense of familiarity. The other two members of YMO also graduated from the same school, and I've felt a sense of familiarity with this group for a long time. (Even so, I wonder how someone like me grew up to want to be an artist or draw pictures, lol)
"Cannot rejoice"
In that footage, Ryu Murakami confides to Ryuichi Sakamoto, "I haven't been able to feel joy lately." He explains that in the past, when he wrote a piece that felt just right, he would experience such an intense high that he would drink and sing karaoke for two hours to celebrate. But as he has aged, he finds he can no longer feel that level of joy (and even falls into depression). Sakamoto replies succinctly, "Joy is a reward, isn't it?" For me, that single sentence was like throwing open the curtains of a room that had been pitch black and sealed shut, letting the sunlight flood in—it was a phrase with that kind of penetrating power.
Growth
Indeed! A reward. Therefore, Mr. Sakamoto continues by saying, "Now that I don't easily give myself rewards, isn't that proof that I am growing?" He adds, "The threshold for joy has simply risen." Mr. Murakami also says, "If a writer gets too excited in the early stages, they won't last for the long haul, so they cannot afford to get overly elated." This exchange also resonated with me. As I became capable of doing more and more, I have felt cramped many times by the fact that I could no longer feel joy.
The phrase "Please praise yourself"
I have been told that I am a hopeless person with no talent, and I have thought so myself, so I have lived my life admonishing myself that I must work harder than others. Praise myself? It was a concept I had absolutely no idea how to approach. On the other hand, living while constantly thinking "I'm still not good enough!" is simply exhausting. I had never found a solution to resolve this fatigue.
But when they say, "Feeling joy is not a matter of reason. It comes from deep within the brainstem. And it is a reward," I thought, wait a minute! I have felt joy many times! That was the first moment I realized that I have indeed been giving myself rewards properly. I have been able to taste this volcanic power coming from the depths of my brain and feel joy. I am able to feel happy about something.
Enjoying the growth of not being able to feel joy
The threshold for joy has risen; there might be nothing more "joyful" than this. I am growing.
From now on, although it may sound contradictory, I think it would be nice to enjoy the growth of myself, where my level has risen and I can no longer feel joy easily.
If there is one thing I want to do in the future, it is that whenever there is a moment I can feel joy, I will never miss it, and I want to fully enjoy and celebrate it; I truly feel that from the bottom of my heart.